metalmarionette

My head is pounding
There's no relief
I clench my fists
And grind my teeth

I shut my eyes
To fight the tears
And sink deeper in
To panic and fear

The pain comes now
And I can't breathe
Fighting the urge
To make myself bleed

One little cut
And all would be fine
But he'd look at me
Like I'd lost my mind

I can't make it stop
The panic and pain
It will never be okay
Things will never be the same

In the early hours of the morning, somewhere between darkness and dawn, I reflect on all that I am, all that I've done and where my future may lead me should I stay on the current path. I want to scream and shout and I die a little each day. Then I just remember all the reasons I have to be quiet and it all seems worth it.

My husband has a set of car stereo speakers hooked up to our tv. He said it was surround sound, I said it was ghetto. Now he's hooking up even bigger car stereo speakers. Why does he try so hard to piss me off? Is that A guy thing? The bigger and more ghetto their stuff the more manly they feel?

Okay. So yesterday turned out better than expected. I started out feeling really bumbed because my two friends were ignoring me. Later on an old friend that I haven't seen in a while showed up to hang out and I ended up making a new friend. My hubby really helped a lot in cheering me up. He makes me laugh and it's really hard to stay sad when he's being so cute. So last night was New Years Eve and I had a BLAST!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure how to put this. It's New years Eve and I feel abandoned. I had plans with a friend but now she says she's not going to show up. I was talking to another friend online and he just got off without another word. I hate myself for trying so hard to be friends with two people that want nothing to do with me, and for not being able to make better friends. I don't want to try anymore. I want to cry but I don't have enough heart left to make the tears come.